Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
whose ass print is on the piano?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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