Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
