Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
