I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
