Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
