Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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