There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
