I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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