We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
