I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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