I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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