Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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