I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The air was thick with penises
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
