i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You took a bar mat shot.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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