I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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