I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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