I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
