im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
