the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
