I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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