if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
