no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
