WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
