i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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