when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
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when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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