i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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