somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
