His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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