well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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