they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
