i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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