so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
