I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
