I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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