The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
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