So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
