Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
