apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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