When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
