i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
