Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
