I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
