Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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