I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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