I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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