bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
