I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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