The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
