I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
