He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
