We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
