i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
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i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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