well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i already hear my dad disowning me
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
