I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
