i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
