While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
